He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
