You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
A bitchslap is in order.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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