Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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