do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
