I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
