can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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