Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
