tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
