I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
