So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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