I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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