The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
