she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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