I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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