I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
