low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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