he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
