Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
