I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
