Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
