"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
