I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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