her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
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