He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
