She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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