What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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