weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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