Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
