i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
