and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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