The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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