this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
