i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
