I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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