i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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