mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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