The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
