guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
