Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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