There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Your penis caused this!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
