When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
