omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
