We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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