How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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