I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize