OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
two words: eviction party
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
