I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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