I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
