meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
