You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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