These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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