Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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