If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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