i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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