Fine. I'll sleep in my office
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
