My sheets look like a crime scene.
smell my finger.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
