I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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