Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize